Get Someone to Do What You Want! DBT Technique: DEAR MAN

Dialectical Behavior Therapy is a type of therapy that was created to help those of us who struggle with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). There are three pillars to DBT: Mindfulness, Interpersonal Effectiveness and Emotional Regulation. Today we are going to be talking about Interpersonal Effectiveness and using the DBT tool DEAR MAN. They describe DEAR MAN as the way to get people to do what you want. This doesn't mean that we can get people to do whatever it is we want, but it does help us communicate more clearly, stand up for ourselves and ask for what it is we need and want. Let's get into these techniques: Describe. Describe the situation and stick to the facts. This means that we don't talk about how we feel or what we think may have happened, we are only describing it factually. Express. This is when we use "I" statements in order to communicate what it is we are feeling and thinking. This keeps us from blaming the other person, which allows them to hear us out without shutting down. I find this to be the most effective at getting our point across and giving them a chance to let you know what's going on with them. Assert. This is usually the hardest for my clients. Just to be clear, assert doesn't mean be aggressive, it just means that we are going to ask for what we want. People can't read our minds or know what it is we are thinking or feeling. Therefore, we are wholly responsible for letting them know what we need and what we are feeling. That's on us. Reinforce. I know this term sounds a bit odd, and possibly something only parents do to their children, but trust me, we reinforce or reward people all the time. If a friend does something nice for us or goes out of their way, we may buy them dinner, or offer to help them move. Without realizing it, we do reward each other for our behavior all the time. Mindful. To keep your focus on what you want and avoid distractions. This means that we may have to continue asking for what we want, and ignore any attacks. If they try and fight back, just continue asserting yourself and asking for what it is you want. That way we don't get caught up in a fight that goes nowhere and leaves both of us unhappy. Appear. Appear confident! This is another hard thing for my clients to do. This is something we can actually practice ahead of time. Practice making eye contact, speaking loudly and clearly. Stand up tall! Do whatever you need to do to appear confident, because it can really affect that way people interact with us. Negotiate. Sometimes we have to give up some things in order to get what it is we want. Communicating is key because we need to hear them out as well so that we know what it is they want. Maybe there are other factors we didn't know about, maybe they haven't told us everything. Either way, we need to hear their side too and see if we can come to an agreement and resolution. Other DBT Videos: BIG THANK YOU to my Patreon Patrons! Without you, I couldn't keep creating videos. xoxo Subscribe here! I'm Kati Morton, a licensed therapist making Mental Health videos - Depression, Eating Disorders, Anxiety, Self-Harm and more! Mental health shouldn't have a stigma attached to it. You're worth the fight! New Videos every Monday and Thursday! Visit for community support! MERCH! PATREON TWITTER FACEBOOK TUMBLR PINTEREST Business email: SENDING KATI STUFF PO Box 1223 Wilshire Blvd. #665 Santa Monica, CA 90403 ****PLEASE READ**** If you or someone you know is in immediate danger, please call a local emergency telephone number or go immediately to the nearest emergency room! HELP! SUBTITLE VIDEOS Subtitle videos if you know English or any other languages! You can help people who are either hearing impaired or non native English speaking. By doing this, you are helping others and strengthening our community. MY FREE WORKBOOKS Easy to follow at home workbooks for your mental health Self-Harm workbook Eating Disorder workbook LGTBQ workbook KATIFAQ VIDEOS Wondering if I have answered a question like yours? Search for it here: Help us caption & translate this video!


Tasha Hocking: Can you do a video about the other DBT communication skill you mentioned?

Kitty Machine: I'm excited to practice this in boundary confrontations.

Raul VM: Hi, Kati! I'm a behavior analyst and an ACT Therapist. Recently I've became more interested in DBT and I found this video very helpful. Thank you!

Mike Rochip: People should know that even though DBT was originally created to treat BPD it has been proven to be very effective in treating anxiety, panic attacks, and cPTSD. Adults who have endured child abuse have found DBT to be particularly helpful in fighting suicidal tendencies and stopping flashbacks.

Teri Smieja: Hi Kati. I've been watching your videos and also sharing them with my real life therapist. She loves your content too! I am learning so much from you and really appreciate that you take the time to share this and put it up on YT for people to learn these skills, and for free! That's very generous! I have a suggestion for your DBT vids (which are the vids I personally am studying) - I'm actually using my DBT workbook (the one that you reference) while watching your videos - it would be super helpful if you could, in the video, state which page / chapter you are on in the book - so we can follow along easier? Thank you so much for all you do! :)

Robert Sanders: love your videos kati ! I'm taking a DBT class now, & listening to you is very very helpful! I also love your bubbly style! You Rock!

Nick Buckner: Kati... Can you make a sweet playlist for all the DBT technique videos? It looks like you kinda got a series started so it would be nice for a viewer like me who wants to really dig in. :-)

Sheila Anne: Im working on my DBT SKILLS and your videos make the exercises helpful. Plus, reinforce what I am learning.

Nathan Bieber: you are awesome Kati!

Nefelibata: how to get people to do what you want? elaborate, how is this smart?

Ashley Tune: This is so helpful!

David Dudley: Thank you . I'm glad i found you.My 13 year old Daughter Has been in and out of mental Hospitals for the last year. When she gets upset about something she just can't let it go. we are starting her in DBT Therapy next week I think it will help.PS i bought the workbook .

Eloise Marie: Wow, really good technique Kati. Thx as always.

ihartevil: this stuff just comes naturally to me i have noticed i dont even try i am just able to know exactly what to say to each one of my friends

the problem is i know how to piss them off just as easily when i am not in a good mood (that was more high school) and i have the same friends so they didnt seem to really care or at least they understood

ihartevil: i have a friend who is a flake and i just be assertive right away and say alright whats going on and skip the other stuff because i have known him since high school and he knows i wont judge him and he always feels bad about being a flake

his bird got sick and instead of telling me that right away he was hoping his bird would be better by the time we hung out i just said next time your birdie gets sick let me know so that way i can make you feel better even though you need to take care of your sick birdie

sometimes its his mom as well she ends up getting busy last second and i understand that he cant drive he will be able to drive again soon and he isnt near the bus like i am i can just walk to it

thx for this ha bisky vid i loved this a lot and i think i was judgmental until i got BPD now that i think about it (i did something in college that really fucked up my brain back when i was an agnostic i dont regret it but its end effect wasnt fun no drugs were involved this was 100% legal and it involved using a lot of google)

Jack Laurence: I bet the manipulators that clicked on this video where like 'ah damn it'

Dana G: I love the DEAR-MAN. You forgot about distress tolerance as a main part of DBT!

Look It Up: Love it when a girly therapist drops swear words in an instructional video
👍🏼👍🏼 Keepin' it real! 👍🏼👍🏼

valentineangel42: This is an incredibly helpful video, thank you Kati! :)

Prudence K: This was very helpful, it was nice to hear it out loud & broken down. thank you :)

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